


And So We Fall

by xoxoluvsucks



Series: Our Life [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Canon, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Daichi and Suga the best boysss, Depression, Divorce, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I had to do this twice bc my laptop FROZE, IT HAS HAPPY MOMENTS TOO, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, LMAO, Love, M/M, Moving On, Multi, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Sadness, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Assault, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Toxic Relationships, Trigger Warnings, Yamaguchi is anxious, ah life, because why not, but like thats not even haha, idk - Freeform, implied eating disorder, light fluff, like me, might be occ???, new relationships, time flies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2019-03-09 08:25:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13477554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoxoluvsucks/pseuds/xoxoluvsucks
Summary: ‘It felt like a feather, floating down just to rest a small portion of its weight on the ground of the earth. It’s there but the not fully there--- no promises that it’ll stay. That is how it felt when Tsukishima Kei first kissed Yamaguchi Tadashi in the safety of his room. Yamaguchi’s world lit up in sparks, of love blossoming in his chest, and passion stirring in his heart. But like the feather resting only a small portion of its weight on the ground, there were no promises of staying.’





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> WOW. HEY! FINALLY AFTER FIVE MONTHS OF WRITING, REWRITING, RE-DOING AND REREADING (because I truly forgot what happens in chapter one, haha haha am I right? #writerproblems) it's FINALLY OUT. Tbh, I already wrote this part then my stupid laptop froze so imma keep it short! <3  
> This is a fic of mine that has been in production since August of 2017; it will have three (3) chapters in all and a second "book" to come!   
> Hope you enjoy and do leave a comment, kudos, and a bookmark! Thank you!
> 
> *NOTE*  
> I wrote Yamaguchi's anxiety to mirror my own, so sorry if it doesn't fit what you may think it would be. Everyone's experience is different!

**‘Happiness is a funny thing. When I was with you, I was happy beyond anything I had known. But when you left, all that happiness twisted into deep dark pain. Now I’m wondering if true happiness isn’t what someone can give you when they’re there. But what they leave inside you when they’re gone.’**   
  
  
 “G-go out with me!”   
  
 Yamaguchi turns his face towards the direction of the voice beside him; his cheeks suddenly a bright red. Hinata looks out of breath as his face is par to the red on Yamaguchi’s own. The volleyball he holds looks like it might burst from how tight his hands squeeze it.   
  
 Yamaguchi lets out a cough pulling up a hand to the front of his nose to hide the blush, “Y-you mean…?”   
  
The small redhead nods in rapid motions, “Yeah! We already do basically everything a couple would do… a-and I l-l-l-like you, quite a lot. And….” Hinata lets out a huff and makes determined eye contact with Yamaguchi before giving him a soft smile. “And I think we’ll do very good together.”   
  
 Yamaguchi’s heart flutters and he gives a small smile with a giggle. He sets the last box of extra nets on the shelf before turning to Hinata, “O-okay then, let’s do it.” He shifts his weight, “Let’s be boyfriends.”   
  
 If possible, Hinata turns an even darker shade of red as he gives Yamaguchi a dorky grin.   
  
 “Oi! Dumbass-Hinata!” Kageyama calls from the court. “Let’s go, I can’t be late for dinner again!”   
  
 “O-oh, COMING!” Hinata yells behind himself and turns to Yamaguchi once more, “S-see you at school tomorrow?”   
  
Yamaguchi gives a smile and a nod before Hinata runs off to catch up with his friend.   
  
‘ _Finally.’_  
  
~   
  
“Ma, I’m home.” Yamaguchi closes the front door of his house, pushing against the cold of February’s winter. As he toes off his shoes he notices mothers own are missing. His brow furrows as he drops his bag and scarf to the ground.   
  
Slowly he makes his way to the kitchen; its clean and looks the same from early this morning. But no note from his mother. His stomach lurches with worry as he checks for her extra phone in the far drawer of the counters. No phone.   
  
“Tadashi,” he hears his father call from the living room, his stomach drops; he hasn’t even seen his father since his parents last had a fight--- back in November.   
  
Cautiously he steps into the living room to see the familiar face of his father sitting in the chair between the couches with a flask in his hand. Yamaguchi is quick to make sure his physical gulp isn’t noticeable.   
  
“U-uh, Dad, I mean, Sir. You’re h-home?” Yamaguchi can feel his fingers starting to shake. He hates it. Hates the way his father’s eye pierce his chest and mind with unwanted memories of _terror_ in his heart. Hates how when his father stands, all he can see is pure resemblance with the only difference being how his face has aged more than the teenager himself.   
  
“I am, Tadashi. Your mother she is gone--”   
  
“Gone--”   
  
His father holds up a hand, “Let me finish, boy.” The way his father bites on the last word--- makes it stings. “Run off. Left. ‘ _Has had enough’_ , is how she put it. She is to get remarried and is moving to America with her new husband.” His father takes another antagonizing, long swing at the silver flask in hand. “I signed the divorce papers today and she is letting me keep the house. Got everything she needed and left,” he pauses and looks Tadashi dead in the eyes, “but looks like she forgot some _baggage_.”   
  
The anxiety Yamaguchi feels inside is starting to affect his physical appearance and he can’t help the very noticeable twitch of his fingers, and the rapid pacing of his breathing. His father, being the very observant man he is, notices and rolls his eyes.   
  
“Don’t worry, I won’t be here very often. I have my own things to do and people to see.” His father makes his way towards Yamaguchi stopping just a few feet away from the anxious boy, “I will put money into your bank account monthly, so you don’t have to see me. I’ll only come by when you’re at school, so you don’t have to worry about… **accidents** happening.” He takes one step toward Yamaguchi and looks the boy up and down, “S’bout time you started to take care of yourself, Hm?”   
  
“S-sir, what if I…I run out of money before month's’ end?” Yamaguchi’s voice was small; he felt so small in front of this man.   
  
His father lets out a laugh, sounding more like a cold-hearted crackle and gripped the end of Yamaguchi’s chin with a **bruising** hold. “You will have to go out, onto the streets, and work for it. Boy.” He snarls down at Yamaguchi and frowns, “Should be easy for someone of your…kind.” His father lets go of Yamaguchi’s face and made his way past Yamaguchi.   
  
When his father was out of sight, Yamaguchi quickly and quietly made his way up the stairs and locked himself in his room. His heart beating a mile a minute as his hands full on shake and his breathing erratic. Slowly he kneels to the ground and holds his head and outwardly counts. _1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10…_. Standing after his breathing slowed and the verge of tears disappeared he listens for his father, pressing his ear against his door. Nothing but silence filled the void.   
  
Opening his door and making his way to the front door he sees his father outside, jumping into his Toyota truck across the street. No wonder he didn’t realize the man was here. Letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in, Yamaguchi locks the door and grabs his school bag and scarf before going back to his room. His mind races but feels completely empty. He honestly saw this coming; his parents splitting permanently. His mother giving up on her son and running away. He felt alone more than ever now.   
  
Closing his door and double checking to make sure it's locked, Yamaguchi took a shaking sigh as he sat on the edge of his bed. Almost instantly the tears were back, and they came with a vengeance. Ugly sobs escaped his fragile body as he slumped against his bed and curled into a ball. He held his legs with all his might to his chest to hopefully stop the shaking in his limbs. Memories filled his mind and his lungs felt constricted from the sobs. At this point he didn’t care if he couldn’t breathe. Those memories he finally got rid of last year are now back. More than ever now since the monster is still living and is still an enormous influence on Yamaguchi’s state of mind.   
  
_Monster_. That man is a monster.   
  
Just as Yamaguchi felt as if a scream would rip from his throat, is when his phone buzzed from his bag. Staring blankly at his navy blue and black school bag, Yamaguchi hesitantly reaches out for it. ‘ _What if he knows what he does to you?_ ’ his mind screamed at him as he searched for the phone.   
  
Slowly he pressed the home button and thanked the heavens that is was only T’sukishima.   
  
_T’suki_.   
  
Not wanting to feel alone any longer and be engulfed by his negative thoughts, Yamaguchi opened the text.   
  
**T’suki:  
  
Mom said she saw your dad's truck when she passed your house.   
  
****You OK?**   
  
Letting out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding in, Yamaguchi smiled sadly at the text. At least T’sukishima’s mom loved him, right?   
  
**Yamaguchi:  
  
I’m doing fine.   
  
A little shaken up.   
  
Hungry.   
  
Really hungry. Lol.   
  
T’suki:   
  
I have dinner ready over here.   
  
Stay the night?   
  
Yamaguchi:   
  
****Please.**   
  
Abandoning his phone, Yamaguchi stood from his bed and started on packing all he would need for possibly more than one night at T’sukishima’s house. This is something that Yamaguchi loved about T’sukishima; how this, caring and calming side of the blank faced-hard stare boy is something only Yamaguchi gets to see. And somewhere in his heart, he hoped it’d always just be him who had the privilege to see that.   
  
Once finished, Yamaguchi closes his bedroom door, being sure to lock it and made his way down the stairs. He went out of his way to go around and lock every door, window and anything that his father could use to come into the house while Yamaguchi is gone. Yamaguchi stepped out his front door and paused to look at his phone.   
  
**T’suki:  
  
** **Bedroom window is open.**   
  
Smiling to himself, Yamaguchi slipped his phone in his pocket, shifted his bag and brought his scarf closer to his face. He watched the sun as it started to set and made sure to hurry to T’sukishima’s house. Looking back before leaving his sidewalk at the house to see an empty driveway and feeling _instantly_ alone again.   
  
~   
  
Walking to T’sukishima’s house is something Yamaguchi did all the time growing up. Only a fifteen-minute walk, ten if he was in a hurry. Running down the sidewalk as a kid in urgency to see his best friend. He was always safe at the T’sukishima household; it was always an escape from the chaos that ensued at home. Finally walking up to the side of T’sukishima’s house, Yamaguchi was sure to close the side gate to the back yard. Looking up at the second window, to see blue curtains whip in the wind as the window sat open.   
  
Yamaguchi put on his determined face as he climbed onto the garbage can then hopped onto the awning of the roof then carefully put his bag through the window first and then moved the curtain out of the way and jumped into the room.   
  
Landing with a slight thud Yamaguchi looked up to see the room dark, the only light coming in from the hallway. Right when Yamaguchi closed the window, he looked up to see T’sukishima’s Onii-chan, Akiteru, standing mid walk in the hallway.    
  
‘ _Fuck_.’ Yamaguchi gave an awkward wave with a small smile.    
  
Almost on cue, instantly, Akiteru grinned and yelled down the hallway leading to the stairs, “Kei! Your _friend_ is here!” before going to his room.   
  
Flustered from being seen, literally ‘breaking in’, Yamaguchi combed his fingers through his hair and twirled the ends of his bangs. His face felt hot at how T’sukishima’s brothers’ eyes **knew**. Knew what? Yamaguchi wasn’t even sure, but that is what scares him.   
  
He always had that problem: being so obvious. He knew he always has loved T’sukishima and how he deeply cared for the other teenager boy but sometimes… sometimes that love felt different than the normal ‘Brotherly’ love. Sometimes he’d catch those amber eyes on his own and instantly his stomach would flop, and his face would heat up. His heart would deeply hurt because of this feeling. And sometimes, it hurt because he just knew if T’sukishima knew of these feelings he wouldn’t react the way Yamaguchi _truly_ hoped for.   
  
Sighing and moving his bag onto the twin size bed, Yamaguchi hears the door creak open a bit. Looking up he sees T'sukishima standing there looking cool as ever. He had a plate of hot food in one hand and a drink in the other. T’sukishima gave two fingers in place of a wave and muttered a, “Yo.” Before turning on the light.   
  
“Y-Yo,” Yamaguchi stuttered out, feeling flustered and he grabbed the end of his hair again.    
  
 _‘Stop it.’_  
  
T’sukishima set the food and drink on his desk and pulled out his desk chair and motioned for Yamaguchi to sit. “Eat first. I will study while you eat.” He said blandly as he grabbed a few books from the desk.   
  
Yamaguchi was quick to sit in the chair while T’sukishima sat on his bed, barely making a sound. Looking down at the food, Yamaguchi felt suddenly sick. Inside him the _screams_ , anxiety and fears sat deep down waiting and wanting to be let out. Be manifested in a physical form. Waiting. Wanting…. **Wanting**.   
  
Yamaguchi glanced at T’sukishima who was sat upon his bed looking down at the text book on his lap; his blonde hair that usually is short and curly, hangs a bit from its longer length. Those amber eyes scan the paper carefully and Yamaguchi can’t help but watch. He doesn’t realize how he is biting his lip until he can taste the faintest of blood on the tip of his tongue.   
  
Blushing, he turns back to his food and focuses on getting it down and _in_ his system. Just when he is about half way through his phone buzzes across the room and as if on cue (again) T’sukishima doesn’t miss a beat by lazily reaching down with those long arms of his and picking up the phone and flawlessly underhand tossing it to Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi catches it with a stuttered ‘Thanks’ and earns a grunt back.   
  
Tucking a piece of hair behind his ear Yamaguchi opens his phone.   
**  
Hinata:  
  
AHHH. You haven’t texted me at aaalll today after we parted ways, so I figured you’re busy. I’m just about going to bed. Good night Yama-Chan!! <3   
**  
Yamaguchi couldn’t help the small smile that parted his lips; reading the text over again, Yamaguchi refrained from telling the truth. ‘ _Too soon to become a burden_ ’.   
  
Biting his lip, he typed out a simple good night before closing his phone and finishing his food.   
  
“You ready for bed?” Tsukishima asked, propping an eyebrow up as he watched Yamaguchi finish off his food with water.   
  
“Mm yeah.” Yamaguchi nodded as he started to remove his outer clothes.   
  
Its silent as Tsukishima takes the plate down to the kitchen and back. Its silent as he sets up a futon for Yamaguchi. It's silent when all Yamaguchi wants to do is _scream_.   
  
A hand on his shoulder startles Yamaguchi as he turns to look up at Tsukishima whose face is slightly contorted into concern. Almost instantly tears spring to his eyes and he turns completely and reaches out his shaking hands to grip onto the tall boys’ shirt in front of him. Sobs escape him and make his shoulders shake with each one.   
  
Tsukishima shushes Yamaguchi and pulls him towards the bed, first setting Yamaguchi on it before closing his bedroom door then returning. Yamaguchi practically leaps back into Tsukishima’s arms the second he sits on the bed. His sobs never ceasing and T’sukishima offers a comforting touch as he strokes the boys back.   
  
“H-he--- and s-she is gone. _Gone_! T’suki…n-no one w-w- **wants** me.” Yamaguchi grips onto T’sukishima’s shirt tightly, he shakes his head in frustration. “Why d-d-doesn’t anyone---want me?” in that moment Yamaguchi looks up frantically into the amber eyes of his best friend and pleads for an answer. But Tsukishima shushes him again before tucking Yamaguchi’s head to his chest and lying down.   
  
“Sleep, Tadashi.”   
  
‘ _Tadashi_ ’.   
  
Yamaguchi lets out a hiccup of a sob before closing his eyes and listening to the sound of his friend’s heartbeat.   
  
‘ _Friends_ ’.   
  
~   
**  
****2 Weeks Later.**   
  
‘ _He doesn’t know. Of course, he doesn’t know. Why can’t I fucking tell him? Like. Just fucking say it._ ’ Yamaguchi lets out a groan as he lets his head drop loudly onto his school desk in front of him. He bangs it a few more times. ‘ _Just. Tell. Him._ ’ He sighs and turns his head towards the door of the classroom.   
  
Hinata is standing there a confused look on his face, of course accompanied by a little blush. Quickly his hand flies up to the back of his wild orange hair and he offers a shrug. “I knew you’d skip lunch.”   
  
Yamaguchi smiles and sits up, and pulls a spare desk chair next to his. “You know me too well,” he chuckles, “come on sit down.”   
  
Hinata flushes a new shade of red as he walks and drops himself in the seat next to Yamaguchi. “Y-you know you need to eat, right?” Hinata offers awkwardly shifting in his seat.   
  
Yamaguchi’s lets out a fake laugh at that and turns his head to look out the window down at the school yard. “Well, haven’t really felt stable enough to eat recently.” He whispers, mainly to himself but Hinata’s eyebrows furrow.   
  
“Why is that?”   
  
‘ _Shit_.’   
  
Yamaguchi’s eyes widen and he turns back toward Hinata. He balls his fists in his lap as he plays a smile, “O-oh nothing, just _really_ tired lately, ya know?”   
  
Hinata nods wildly, and Yamaguchi is happy the boy asks no more questions. “YES! Totally! Although, that may be my fault for you being tired, since I do text you until three Am…” Hinata lets out a gasp and completely turns and flings his hands to grab onto Yamaguchi’s own. “ITS MY FAULT ISNT IT?!”   
  
Yamaguchi blinks blankly as he processes the sudden outburst from his boyfriend. Then ends up heaving for air as the never-ending laughs happen. “n-no! oh my GOD, no!” he laughs breathlessly, and he struggles for air.   
  
Hinata pouts and crosses his arms, “Good! But you don’t need to laugh.” The way his lips double in size as he pouts, makes Yamaguchi erupt in another round of laughs.   
  
“O-okay, okay, oh… _kay_.” Yamaguchi catches his breath. He looks at Hinata who is grinning and then sheepishly turns his head. “Wait, wait. What? What is it?” Yamaguchi giggles reaching for Hinata to look at him again.   
  
Hinata huffs a breath and his ears turn red as he side-eyes Yamaguchi, “It’s just…y-you’re cute when you laugh.”   
  
Yamaguchi is taken aback at this and pauses whatever he was gonna say.   
  
“It makes me never wanna see you sad.” Hinata whispers and Yamaguchi goes flying out of his seat.   
  
Hinata lets out a yelp as Yamaguchi tackles him to the ground hugging his midsection tightly. “Thanks.” Yamaguchi whispers, “I _needed_ that.”   
  
Hinata hugs just as equally tight before pulling away, “H-hey,” he gazes softly into Yamaguchi’s eyes.   
  
“Hey,” Yamaguchi flirts back.   
  
“Can I kiss you?” Hinata asks, somehow redder than earlier, but still determined.   
  
Yamaguchi blushes and nods, leaning in about to land his lips on Hinata’s own---   
  
“Hinata-Baka!”   
  
Suddenly Hinata is being literally pulled out of the classroom by Kageyama by the back of his shirt all the while screaming, “LET ME KISS MY BOYFRIEND!!”   
  
Flustered, Yamaguchi offers a wave before standing up and brushing himself off. ‘ _That was cute._ ’ He smiles to himself grabbing his bag from his desk. While walking out of the class room his phone goes off.   
  
**T’suki:  
  
** **Why is Hinata pouting in the bathroom about not being able to kiss you and Kageyama ready to break the stall door down?**   
  
Yamaguchi shoves his phone into his bag and hurries himself along. He had an interview to go to.   
  
~   
  
Yamaguchi sighs as he closes the front door to his house. He leans against the door frame. Long day. The interview went worse than better. His mom called in the middle of it. Not once, but eight times. The man interviewing him even heard the buzzes and made Yamaguchi answer it. It probably would’ve been a big deal if only his mother didn’t totally make him feel like crap for leaving. And now she is pregnant. _Pregnant_. Yamaguchi barely even said goodbye to his interviewer, He just said, “Don’t bother calling me.” And left.   
  
“Fuck me.” Yamaguchi mutters, toeing off his shoes and rubbing his temples. He needed to get his life together.   
  
“Gladly,” a voice startles Yamaguchi and he looks up, all fear dispensing away when he sees it's just Tsukishima, smirking at his own comment.   
  
“ _Gosh_ , you scared me.” Yamaguchi grips his shirt over his heart to emphasize.   
  
“Well, you’re the one who gave me a key.” Tsukishima says as he follows Yamaguchi into the kitchen.   
  
“True.” Yamaguchi says, going around the kitchen grabbing down junk food from the cupboards. He hasn’t eaten much since he left the Tsukishima household four days ago. You could say he was starving. “Why are you here?” He asks shoving Pringles into his mouth.   
  
“Making sure you eat again.” Tsukishima crosses his arms and leans back on a counter. “I know it’s tough, but you need to get the nutrition. You have other people than me who you can tell, ya know?” Yamaguchi rolled his eyes and Tsukishima narrowed his, “Especially Hinata.”   
  
“H-huh?”   
  
“You think I wouldn’t know? He never shuts up about you.” Tsukishima said matter-of-factly. “And, you were trying to hide it from me.”   
  
Yamaguchi feels sick. He quickly grabs a water bottle from the fridge and chugs half of it. “I-I…wasn’t trying to hide it from you. I just…. didn’t want everyone to know. That’s it, yeah. It isn’t exactly a thing I would like to display.”   
  
Tsukishima wasn’t buying shit, Yamaguchi knew that, but still, at least he shut up. “It’s just hard for me to get used to…. all this new-ness. I guess.” Yamaguchi says packing up the junk food and putting it all back away. “Mom is pregnant, dad is…. well, still scary as heck and I’m….”   
  
“Gay?”   
  
Yamaguchi throws his water bottle at him, “No shit Sherlock.” He tries to stifle his smiles but fails when he notices the small one on Tsukishima’s own lips. “I’m just learning how to cope. If that means, only feeling safe enough to eat at your house then be it. If that means, being afraid to let anyone else in then so be it. If that means, not telling Hinata because I know he is in love with Kageyama then so be it. If that means _holding_ back then---”   
  
“Wait.” T’sukishima cuts him off, “Hinata, your boyfriend, doesn’t love you? He loves queen-bitch-of-the-court?”   
  
Yamaguchi nods and then shakes his head, “Oh I don’t know! I don’t…. I don’t….” he looks down, and sees T’sukishima’s toes nearly touching his. He rapidly looks up and suddenly there is a hand on his chin and warmth. Warmth all over. His lips just barely touching Tsukishima’s, but it’s all just filled with warmth. But it’s as light as a feather. Or maybe as heavy as a feather that makes Yamaguchi feel so vulnerable to T’sukishima.   
  
Tsukishima pulls away and Yamaguchi wants to chase him. “You can do better than Hinata, that’s all there is to it.”   
  
Yamaguchi’s eyes widen slightly as he watches Tsukishima head for the front door. His body is frozen. Can’t move. Was it fear? Or was it happiness? He didn’t know all the he did know was that Tsukishima said a few things accompanied by a, “See you tomorrow” and left and Yamaguchi just burst into grins and rapid movements of his hands through his hair.   
  
“D-did that just **happen**?!”   
  
~   
  
Yamaguchi couldn’t fall asleep that night. He just laid in bed, staring at what was left of the plastic glow in the dark star-stickers on his ceiling and smiled. And smiled. And smiled. And couldn’t get that feeling from his lips. That feeling of _warmth_. Of all his emotions finally, finally being let loose. All his doubts he had of himself disappeared and he felt as if he could accept how he truly felt about T'sukishima. He always loved T'sukishima, some days that love felt like it could never end, on some, it felt like he couldn’t stand the guy. But now, now it felt **unconditional**. And in a romantic way.    
  
Romance was something Yamaguchi never knew he could feel. Even for Hinata. The romance he has with Hinata is some sort of, friend romance not love-romance. Because he now admits to the fact that he loves T'sukishima romantically. And it scares him. Because, he doesn’t want to end up like his parents. But, it’ll be easier. Since, T’sukishima has always cared for Yamaguchi.   
  
Ever since the beginning, Yamaguchi knew that Tsukishima cared. He always kept Yamaguchi safe; some days out of concern but on most, out of _love_. And he kissed Yamaguchi. On the lips. Stole Yamaguchi’s first, but Yamaguchi himself couldn’t complain. He couldn’t stop grinning late in the night as he felt the warmth still lingering.   
  
Slowly Yamaguchi pressed two thin fingers to his lips and smiled softly. He felt, _truly_ happy.   
  
~   
  
**Yamaguchi:  
  
Hey, mind meeting me in the Club Room before school starts?   
  
Hinata:   
  
****You got it! XP**   
  
Yamaguchi made a beeline for the volleyball club room instead of taking his normal route to his classroom. He felt different emotionally. Well, he felt a lot. Guilt, Dread, Happiness… Love. He felt like he finally noticed and accepted romance around him. As he passed couples in the school yard he smiled and wished them the best. Knowing love is a beautiful thing. Knowing _he_ loved him.   
  
As he walks, he passes T'sukishima, of course with his face in his notebook and taps him on the shoulder, grinning ear to ear as he passes and greets him. “Morning T’suki!” he says cheerily as he continues to the club room. Tsukishima watches him go.   
  
When he gets there Hinata is already in there, throwing around a volleyball and when he sees Yamaguchi he smiles. Yamaguchi’s heart breaks. Just a little bit.   
  
“Good morning!” Hinata exclaims setting the ball back in the basket.   
  
“Good morning!” Yamaguchi says back just as enthusiastically.   
  
“Whoa! You’re in a good mood, Yama-Chan!” Hinata grins sitting down on a chair.   
  
“Thanks, I guess I am.” Yamaguchi smiles back, “But, uh, I came here because well, I need to tell you something.”   
  
Hinata’s smile drops just a bit and he offers the chair next to him to Yamaguchi. “Oh, okay, go ahead.”   
  
Yamaguchi sits and is quick to grab both of Hinata’s hands. “Listen, we…us, as a couple are different I guess. I love you Hinata, don’t get me wrong! But we don’t work… _romantically_.” Yamaguchi pauses and bites his lip. “I don’t love you romantically. And,” he looks up to meet Hinata’s wide eyes, “I know you don’t too.”   
  
Hinata’s eyes fall and he nods, “I-I guess you’re right. On all of that! Like, I guess I thought if I had…e-experience I would be all, cool and smooth with the p-p-person I … like…. love.” Hinata’s face is bright red and Yamaguchi couldn’t help the small smile on his face.   
  
Yamaguchi cups both of Hinata’s cheeks and makes him look up at him, “Shouyou, he’ll love you back. I promise.”   
  
Hinata’s eyes gloss over just a bit and he lunges and hugs Yamaguchi. “Y-you’re such a great friend! Thank you, Yama-Chan!”   
  
Yamaguchi hugs back and lets out a relieved sigh. Happy he didn’t hurt Hinata. “Listen,” he pulls back, “you go out there and make Kageyama swoon.” He grins.   
  
Hinata nods then blinks, and then gasps with more drama than a teenager girl. “WAIT. YOU K N O W?!”   
  
Yamaguchi erupts in fits of laughter, “Of course, idiot!”   
  
Hinata grumbles then just laughs along with Yamaguchi. “Thank you for telling me the truth, though. It’s best we are just friends, huh?”   
  
Yamaguchi nods, “Yeah it is.” He glances at his phone, “Oh gosh, it’s almost time to start. You go ahead, I need to finish some written work--- my home room starts late anyway.”   
  
Hinata nods and stands, “See you later Yama-Chan! Wish me luck!” Hinata exclaims running out the door.   
  
Yamaguchi smiles to himself as he starts to pull out his notebook. Just as he is about to start writing, the door opens in a flash. He looks up to see Tsukishima standing at the door, eyes narrowed at Yamaguchi.   
  
“Stand. _Now_.” Tsukishima says in a demanding voice.   
  
Yamaguchi does what he is told and stands abruptly; notebook, pen and phone dropping to the floor.   
  
T’sukishima locks the door and takes three short strides and with every step, Yamaguchi can feel his mouth getting dry. And Tsukishima’s intense gaze doesn’t waver. T’sukishima doesn’t stop, just keeps walking until Yamaguchi’s back is flush with the wall. Yamaguchi stops against the wall with a grunt and their faces are only a few centimeters apart.   
  
Tsukishima removes his glasses and Yamaguchi’s sees those amber eyes flash with something. And then, Tsukishima’s hands are on Yamaguchi’s wrists and his arms are loosely hanging above his head, pinned to the wall.   
  
“W-w-wha…? T’suki--”   
  
“Just shut up and let me **kiss** you.”   
  
_And he does._  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOT BETA-ED  
> Trigger Warnings on the tags.  
> Non-Graphic sex scene, proceed with caution though!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHAPTER TWO! Thank you for the kind Kudos and comments! I hope you enjoy this one, its a bit more lengthy.   
> Anyway, enjoy and leave a comment and Kudos! it reaallllyyy boosts my motivation <3  
> Chapter three (the final) will be out in roughly two weeks, I need to finish up book two so I can post that asap.   
> ENJOY!

**‘We’re one now. That’s what you said as you stole from me. We’re making love. Little did I know that was the furthest thing from love.’**     
  
7 weeks later.    
  
Spring has come and is nearly over and never in a million years would Yamaguchi think to find himself in this situation. Currently in a small storage closet during after school hours.     
  
“Mmph!” Yamaguchi’s voice is muffled as Tsukishima’s lips attack his own. He pulls away breathing heavily, half-lidded eyes filled with lust, before diving back in, forcing his tongue through the mouth on his.     
  
T’sukishima’s hands move quick, exploring Yamaguchi’s body with haste. Yamaguchi lets out a moan as he feels T’sukishima’s teeth latch onto his bottom lip. His knees go weak. Yamaguchi wraps both his arms around T’sukishima’s neck and pulls himself closer. Pressing harder, hoping they could become closer. Then again, can they get any closer? Strong hands move to his thighs and then suddenly, he’s off the ground, legs around Tsukishima’s torso his back pressed against the wall. It feels hot deep inside him and he moans as T’sukishima’s hands spread across bare skin under his shirt.     
  
It’s been like this for weeks, now. This, the tension between them throughout the entire day before finding somewhere to just devourer each other. Most of the time they find a closet at school because a lot of the days it just can’t wait till they get home.     
  
“A-ah!” Yamaguchi’s voice is a surprise to himself and he feels hands roam his lower back.     
  
“Hmm,” Tsukishima hums, dipping his head into the crook of Yamaguchi’s neck and sucking lightly in various spots. “you like that?” his hands move lower. “Want me to go lower?”    
  
Yamaguchi pants and clings onto Tsukishima tighter; his legs shaking. “Ye---”    
  
Tsukishima’s phone rings loudly in the closet. He sighs and mutters under his breath. He lets Yamaguchi down and goes to answer his phone. Yamaguchi’s skin feels hot—not just cause of the small stuffy closet.     
  
“I’m busy, what do you need?” Tsukishima’s voice bites into the air. “Now?” he sighs, “Yes, yes. I need to just finish some…” he eyes Yamaguchi, and Yamaguchi’s skin crawls. “Homework.”    
  
His face flushes as he awkwardly pulls at his hair. The hot knot in his stomach not dying down anytime soon.    
  
‘ _Only you do this to me._ ’    
  
“Yes, I will be there soon. Bye.” Tsukishima’s hangs up the phone and stands, brushing a hand through his hair and fixing his glasses.     
  
“W-who was it?” Yamaguchi’s asks, still feeling the tension in the small closet.     
  
“Lucy-San,” Tsukishima says turning to Yamaguchi. “Study group is today.”    
  
“Ah.” Yamaguchi gives a false smile as he rubs his neck shuffling his feet. “Y-you should go.” He focuses his eyes on the ground.     
  
He can feel Tsukishima’s eyes on him for just a moment before he hears the door open. “You’re right. See you.” And with that, T’sukishima is gone.     
  
Yamaguchi stares wide-eyed at the door as it slowly closes, hoping--  _longing_  for Tsukishima to come back but he knows he won’t. ‘ _You aren’t worth it._ ’ His stomach drops and the back of his eyes sting. Slowly he lowers himself to the floor and hugs his knees to his chest and sobs. Sobs until he can’t breathe; he knows school is out, so he just doesn’t care if he is heard. The fact that Tsukishima can just leave him like that… **hurts**.     
  
He was always happy on his own but since that first kiss. He just doesn’t  _feel_  happy without T’sukishima around. Is that even normal?    
  
“I-I-it hurts. Ahhh, why?” Yamaguchi sobs into his arms.     
  
‘ _Lucy-San.’_   
  
Yamaguchi cries harder. He knew they were just study partners, but Tsukishima is his...     
  
His crying stops, and he opens his eyes. “Is he really mine?” he asks himself.     
  
~    
  
Yamaguchi steps out of the shower and wraps a towel around his waist. He looks in the mirror at his face and sighs. The gray bags under his eyes are faint but are there. He looks pale. He turns his head to the side staring at his very prominent collar bones. And skinny. Too skinny.  He needs more food. He swallows hard and nods at his reflection. ‘ _You can do it_.’    
  
For the first time in forever, he goes to the kitchen and cooks himself a real meal. He feels empowered. Being able to eat well on his own again is a big step in this season. He’s starting to feel safe on his own again.     
  
Yamaguchi cleans the kitchen and is proud of himself for being responsible. As he sits on the couch watching some reality tv, his phone buzzes. He lazily glances at the screen and then his face brightens.     
  
‘ _T’suki.’_   
**  
T’suki:  
  
Sorry for leaving you so coldly today. Tomorrow, if you let me spend the entire day with you, I’ll make it up.   
  
Yamaguchi blushes giddily and hugs his phone to his chest before typing out a reply.   
  
Yamaguchi:   
  
I’m all yours.**   
  
~    
  
The morning came and Yamaguchi woke up feeling refreshed and looking forward to the day. While in the process of making himself breakfast Yamaguchi gets a call from Kageyama.     
  
“Good morning Kageyama-Kun” Yamaguchi speaks into the phone as he stirs the frying pan.     
  
“Good morning Yama-Chan.” Kageyama’s voice is muffled, “I need some advice.”    
  
“Oh really?” he throws in some rice.     
  
“Y-yeah, yesterday Hinata went on and on about…s-someone he  _loves_  and when I asked him to just tell me he said I was a dumbass and should call someone wise and ask for council. What do I do!?” Kageyama sounded desperate and Yamaguchi bit back a laugh.    
  
“Well,” he grabs a plate, “You chose me, because apparently, I’m wise, huh? Well, Tobio, I’m  **flattered** , but I am going to be brutally honest.” Yamaguchi pauses and enjoys Kageyama’s suspenseful silence on the other end. “You’re a dense boy and you need to look at the way Hinata acts around you from a …outsiders point of view.”    
  
“H-huh!?”    
  
A knock comes at the front door and Yamaguchi quickly turns off the stove. “Listen Kags, I can’t talk anymore. I got to go. Good luck!” he hangs up even though Kageyama begged him not to.     
  
Yamaguchi slips on a par of slippers and answers the door. “F-father?” He asks, looking at the man in front of him. Fresh haircut, nice clothes, flowers in hand, and a decent car parked out front.  **Odd**.     
  
“Good morning, Tadashi. May I come in?” His father’s weary eyes were soft and almost- almost pleading.     
  
Yamaguchi steps aside, eyes wide with how shocking his father is, and ushers the man in. “Why are you here? Dressed like that?” he muttered a no offense.      
  
His father goes to the kitchen and chugs a cup of water. His demeanor obviously gave off how nervous the man was. Yamaguchi caught on quick to that. “I need help,” he pulls out a tie from his pant pocket. Yamaguchi gives a small smile.     
  
“Ah, I see.” He steps closer and starts to tie the tie. “A date?” Yamaguchi wraps it around the base of his father’s neck.     
  
His father hums, “Yeah, with a coworker. She is…nice.”    
  
“I see.”    
  
“And you? Up so early on a Saturday?”    
  
“I have to be at the town square at ten.”    
  
“Date?”    
  
This time it was Yamaguchi’s turn to hum. He didn’t feel intimidated by his father. Was it the way he was in an almost vulnerable state? Or did something change in the man’s heart? Yamaguchi wasn’t sure, but it felt odd. Different from what he’s used to. He  _could_  get used to it.    
  
“There.” Yamaguchi gives a nod at his perfection and flashes a smile and his father is quick to thank him.     
  
“Good luck!” Yamaguchi calls as he hears the front door close. He finishes his food quickly as he notices the time and jumps in the shower and literally throws on the outfit he had chosen last night.     
  
His mind was racing a mile a minute as he styled his hair. A date. With T’sukishima. He couldn’t believe it; that this was happening. But, one thing that bothered him was the fact that T’suki never really called it a date. But Yamaguchi just shrugged that quite negative thought off and finished getting himself ready.     
  
‘ _You can do it. Just be yourself and enjoy yourself._ ’ He glanced at the mirror by the front door, he smoothed his hair down, ‘ _Enjoy yourself._ ’ He nodded at himself, slipping on shoes, sliding his phone into his back jean pocket and leaving the house.     
  
~    
  
Yamaguchi leaned against the pillar of the giant clock tower and focused on catching his breath. He pulled out his phone and checked the time,  **9:50**  am. He sighed and brushed a slightly shaking hand through his hair. His face was flushed, and the weather wasn’t on his side, for the heat was starting to get to him. His hairline felt damp, but only just a bit. Yamaguchi let out a frustrated groan and looked up at the sky.     
  
‘ _Already looks like today will be shit, huh?’_   
  
He shook his head, “Stop that.” He whispers to himself.    
  
“Stop what?”    
  
A slight yelp escapes Yamaguchi mouth as he turned to the body towering over him. He looks up at the face blankly staring down at him and gave a crooked smile, “Nothing,” he squeaked.     
  
Tsukishima lifted an eyebrow then gave the smallest of smiles.  Yamaguchi could feel his face flush as he took a step back. He took T’sukishima in; the older boy standing coolly in his gray skinny jeans and a faded yellow shirt, his hair slightly styled so it wasn’t exactly hanging in his face and his glasses hanging in his shirt pocket. T’sukishima glanced back down at Yamaguchi and reached for his shoulder, pulling him into his side.     
  
“Let’s get going before you burn holes into my shirt.” He said smoothly as Yamaguchi sputtered in surprise.     
  
“Ahhh, yeah…” Yamaguchi bit his lip as T’sukishima led the way, arm still slung around Yamaguchi’s shoulder.     
  
They talked back and forth as they walked. Tsukishima complaining about “everyone and their grandma” asking for help because of finals on Monday and Yamaguchi laughed along.     
  
“My father came by this morning,” Yamaguchi muttered, knowing whenever he mentions his father to T’sukishima, the guy gets  _offensive_.      
  
“That bastard?” T’sukishima says unimpressed as he pulls out his phone to answer a text.    
  
“Mm. I don’t think he’s much of a, uh, bastard. Per se.” Yamaguchi tucks a piece of hair behind his ear. “He came over to ask for my help. He has a date today…” it took everything in Yamaguchi’s body not to say “too”. For he wasn’t sure. He bit his lip and side-eyed T’sukishima.    
  
T’sukishima grunted as he slipped his phone into his pocket, “He needs a good ass-kicking still.”     
  
Yamaguchi giggled.    
  
They walked a few more blocks, continually keeping the safe and comfortable small talk. Yamaguchi’s heart sped up the closer they got to the surprise destination. He hoped it’d be something romantic, like a cute restaurant. Then T’sukishima would profess his love for his childhood friend and wouldn’t be ashamed to kiss him in front of everyone. To come out to the world that he is- wait, ' _Is Kei even gay?_ ’.    
  
Yamaguchi quietly stole another glance up at T’sukishima as they waited for at a stop light. He then looked away, brushing the hair from his face,  _‘He has to at least be on the spectrum, he wouldn't just use me to… experiment_.’ he thinks to himself.     
  
The two arrive to the “date-spot”; a simple café filled with people of all ages. A couch area was on the right side of the café while the normal tables, chairs, and booths sat on the left.     
  
“Go get a booth while I order,” Tsukishima says, close to Yamaguchi’s ear and it spreads warmth throughout his body.     
  
Yamaguchi nods, “You know my usual?” he hopes in his heart Tsukishima does.    
  
And then, it happens. As if time slowed down and its only Yamaguchi and T’sukishima in the nearly packed café. Those amber eyes soften, those thin lips pull up just a bit more than his normal smiles. And Tsukishima says, in one of his softest voices, “How can I forget it?”    
  
Yamaguchi feels a tug in his chest because, oh  **shit** , he’s in way too deep. He loves this boy so much and all he wanted to do in front everyone was pull Tsukishima down and kiss him till his lips fall off.     
  
Yamaguchi blushes and bites his lip as he turns to find an open booth. He sits down in one farthest from the others; he gets nervous in crowded places. Must’ve been why T’sukishima told him to choose. ‘ _That’s sweet_ ’, Yamaguchi smiles down at his hands. He looks up and watches as Tsukishima orders. T’sukishima’s profile view has always been a favorite of Yamaguchi’s, he enjoyed watching the way he talked. It showed just how broad Tsukishima is and yet, showed how vulnerable he can be when those tears would slip through. That’s only happened once or twice though. Yamaguchi cherishes those moments  _deep_  in his heart.     
  
Tsukishima scans the café for Yamaguchi before seeing him and walking to him. He carried the two cups with ease and Yamaguchi felt as if he was going to combust.     
  
‘ _It’s not a date. It’s not a date. It’s not a date. It’s not----_ ’    
  
“Here you go.”     
  
T’sukishima’s deep voice broke the chanting inside Yamaguchi’s head and Yamaguchi gave a weary smile as he took the cup.     
  
“Thanks…” he sipped from it and let the slightly hot liquid go down his throat with a smooth sensation.     
  
“So,” came Tsukishima’s voice, “you excited for summer break?” he asks sipping his cup with ease, maintaining eye contact as  **if**  it was the easiest thing.    
  
‘ _Well, it IS easy. He IS your best friend…_ ’    
  
‘ _Yeah, friend._ ’    
  
Yamaguchi glared at his cup before looking back up at Tsukishima.     
  
“Of course! I get to clean out the house, mom gave me the okay a few days ago to just start throwing out shit. So.” He gave a half-assed smile.     
  
“Ah, yes. How is she?” Tsukishima lifted an eyebrow.     
  
Yamaguchi rolled his eyes, “Oh ya know, ‘Happily in love and pregnant and ready to become an America’.” He mocked in his mother’s voice and earned a genuine chuckle from T’sukishima. Yamaguchi bit back a laugh of his own “So yeah,” he sighs leaning his head on his hand, “that’s about it. Happy we all are moving on though.”    
  
Tsukishima waits a few moments before saying, just over a whisper, “I’m glad.”    
  
Yamaguchi’s eyes widen as he looks across at Tsukishima, “What?” he says softly.    
  
T’sukishima’s eyes are downcast and his thumbs rub along his cup, Yamaguchi could tell the boy was working to maintain his stoic composer. “Ya know since you finally have toxic people out of your life. You can make decisions on your  _own_  and not care about what they think.” T’sukishima looks out the window of the café eyes scanning the people walking, “Parents always find a way to make you change your decisions.”    
  
Yamaguchi is stunned for a second and his brow furrows, “Hey, T’suki, are you o----”    
  
“T’sukishima-Kun!”    
  
A high voice came from just a few feet away from them, cutting Yamaguchi off. He and T’sukishima turn to see who the voice belonged to.     
  
Three girls, who looked to be high schoolers to Yamaguchi, came sashaying towards their table. Instantly Yamaguchi recognized the one in the middle. Stark black hair in a half up-half down style, gray eyes piercing the hearts of all males in the café, body the image of any ‘perfect’ Japanese girl and mouth with a knowing smirk. Yamaguchi had no kindness left in his heart for her, so he glared. And glared  _hard_.    
  
“Kei~” Came the girls' voice as she put a hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder as if she could do that.    
  
Yamaguchi eyed the companions on either side of her, as they exchanged knowing looks. ‘ _Mine._ ’ He held back a growl.     
  
‘ _Wait, what?_ ’    
  
“Lucy…San.” Tsukishima didn’t seem fazed by the way she said his first name, let alone without any honoraria’s. He hardly ever let Yamaguchi use his first name.    
  
“Ah, so this is the café you told me about?” Lucy looked around the café as if she is just now taking it all in, “Cute, cute.” She turned and looked back at Tsukishima. “Still on for tomorrow?” she brushed a few bangs away from T’sukishima’s face and he didn’t even budge.     
  
‘ _She is flirting! Destroy!’_ _   
  
‘No! Just flirt  **with**  T’sukishima!’    
  
‘Kill her---’    
  
_ _‘WOULD YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP!_ ’    
  
Yamaguchi shifted in his seat uncomfortably, his throat felt tight as the sight of…her and him.     
  
“Of course,” Tsukishima responded, “now would you all please leave.” He gestured at Yamaguchi, “I’m busy with him at the moment.”    
  
All three girls’ eyes landed on Yamaguchi and he felt extremely uncomfortable under the stares for they all held pure  _judgment_  in them.    
  
Lucy clicked her tongue and turned to Tsukishima again, “Well, see you tomorrow.” She let her hand linger on his shoulder before eyeing Yamaguchi with a cold stare and turned to leave.    
  
Yamaguchi didn’t know he was holding his breath until he watched them all exit the café together. He breathed a sigh.    
  
“Sorry about her, she’s a gossip.” T’sukishima said blandly.     
  
‘ _Fucking lies. That’s a lie. There is something more---_ ’    
  
“It’s okay, we all know study girls are the worst.” Yamaguchi gave a fake chuckle.    
  
Tsukishima stared at him before scoffing and turning his head, his ears turning a slight pink. Or was that Yamaguchi’s imagination? “Stupid.” It was quiet and playful and it left the smallest smile lying on those lips.     
  
Yamaguchi grinned from ear to ear as his face flushed with pink. “Okay, shall we get going? We have a movie in half an hour or so…” he glanced at his watch and nodded.     
  
“Sure.” T’sukishima said plainly as he gathered his and Yamaguchi’s finished cups and brought them back to the counter.     
  
Yamaguchi straightens his shirt and followed Tsukishima out the door. Tsukishima suddenly keeping a noticeable distance.     
**  
** **Ah**.     
  
‘ _it hurts._ ’ 

~ 

Yamaguchi could feel the body heat emanating from T’sukishima sitting next to him. The two boys’ elbows a hair away from each other. Yamaguchi bit his lip and didn’t dare to glance over and look at who has T’sukishima’s attention. T’sukishima hasn’t paid attention to the movie at all; already twenty minutes in and it seems every thirty seconds or so he looks at his phone and texts. He puts it down. Time passes by. Yamaguchi feels his chest hurt, his eyes sting. He picks it up.  And away his fingers move. He doesn’t seem to be hiding the screen but Yamaguchi didn’t dare look down.    
  
His hands felt clammy as he stretched and folded them up repeatedly. His body wanted to lean, feel, touch- something- concerning T’sukishima. He’s just so used to always being close to him, even before their… newly advanced physical relationship they were always close. T’sukishima not knowing the way his skin on Yamaguchi’s skin makes the latter feel.    
  
T’sukishima shifted as he lazily pushed his phone back into his pocket, he leaned on his left elbow, really close to Yamaguchi and turned to whisper in the boy’s ear.    
  
“Phone is dying, you have a charger on you?” he asked in his normal mono-toned voice; his breath making Yamaguchi’s skin tingle.    
  
Yamaguchi’s face flushed as he kept his eyes locked on the large TV screen in front of them. He swallowed hard and clenched his fists to keep them from shaking. Tsukishima pressed his arm flush against Yamaguchi’s own and he had to restrain a yelp from leaving his mouth.    
  
“U-uh, no. Sorry.” He said, knowing the shakiness in his voice was obvious.    
  
T’sukishima kept his face there, close to the side of Yamaguchi’s neck and Yamaguchi held his breath.    
  
“It’s okay.” T’sukishima finally (FINALLY!) said and leaned back, straightening in his chair and lazily watched the screen.   
  
Yamaguchi let out a shallow breath as he felt his tense muscles relax.   
  
‘ _You’re gonna lose him to her._ ’   
  
Yamaguchi bit his lip and glanced down, feeling the sting in the back of his eyes again.    
  
‘ _Shut up. I already **know**._ ’   
  
~   
  
After the movie, the two went to the outlets and shopped around. Yamaguchi spent most of their time at the container store, looking for boxes, shelves etc… to reorganize the house with. He bought a lot and was thankful for the help of Tsukishima.    
  
They got lunch around one, both keen on sandwiches being bought and ate from a food truck. They sat on the fountain in the middle of town square and ate in-between small talk.    
  
“Oh!” Yamaguchi exclaimed as he lazily flipped through a magazine.    
  
T’sukishima lifted an eyebrow, mid-bite into his food.    
  
Yamaguchi blushed and turned the magazine to show T’sukishima, “They have a ton of coupons for the small makeup store a block away.” He paused and coyly tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. “I need some refills.” He finished.    
  
T’sukishima nodded, knowing of Yamaguchi’s secret love for makeup, “We should go.” He sounded like he genuinely  _meant_  it.   
  
Surprised, Yamaguchi turned and gaped at T’sukishima. He knew Tsukishima has always been excepting of him and what his hobbies were, but he didn’t know that Tsukishima cared.  He grinned ear to ear.    
  
“Okay! Let’s go!” he stood quickly and folded up the magazine and stuffed it in his back pants pocket. Reaching for T’sukishima’s arms, “Eat, eat!” he giggled.    
  
T’sukishima glared as he half-assed resisted the pulling on his arm, “I’m not walking”   
  
“Eat and walk!” Yamaguchi gave wiggly eyes, “It’ll help you get the ladies.” He teased.   
  
T’sukishima clicked his tongue, “Prick.”   
  
Yamaguchi erupted in fits of laughter, doubling over, as T’sukishima threw his trash away. Seeing the shadow of his friend Yamaguchi straightened and wiped his eyes, smile still on his lips. Suddenly, T’sukishima was close again,  _too_  close.    
  
His nose a few centimeters from Yamaguchi’s as he leaned down to be level with him. His eyes held Yamaguchi’s gaze not letting it escape.    
  
“Besides, I don’t need any ladies.” T’sukishima said in a low serious voice, before straightening up and flicking the stuttering Yamaguchi’s nose.    
  
“O-ow…” Yamaguchi complained as he rubbed his face. Half because of the pain and half to hide the obvious red blush that spread across his cheeks.    
  
~   
  
T’sukishima unlocked the door to his house and Yamaguchi was the first in, practically running in and dropping the many bags on the floor of the entryway. He panted as he gripped his knees, trying to catch his breath. He vowed to himself never to buy five giant bags worth of things and then walk twenty minutes in the hot sun back to the T’sukishima household, ever again.    
  
T’sukishima playfully kicked Yamaguchi on the small of his back and grabbed the bags, “Give me your house key, I’ll drive these down there and drop them off.” He yawned, “You can take a bath.”   
  
Yamaguchi slipped out of his shoes and put on the pair of spare slippers, he pulled his house key from his pocket and gave it to T’sukishima. “Here, also, is anyone home?” he looked around noticing how quiet it is.    
  
“No. Mom is on a weekend stay with dad and Akiteru is at work until three a.m,” Tsukishima replied grabbing down the set of car keys. He tossed them in the air.    
  
“Until three!?” Yamaguchi exclaimed, “I hope my job doesn’t keep me that late…” he muttered to himself.    
  
T’sukishima nodded, “Anyway, just use whatever of my clothes. I’ll be back soon.” He exited the house, carrying the bags.    
  
Yamaguchi sighs almost dreamily as he walks towards the stairs. He takes in the house; a very simple house really, no one expects less from the T’sukishima’s. Truly a picture-perfect family; a mother who loves with toughness, and is strict with her values who also expects the best of her offspring. A father who works away but loves as if he never left. And two sons, perfect boys, six years apart and walking a successful road; expectations are high because no one expects less from the T’sukishima family.    
  
Yamaguchi makes his way to the bathroom and strips from his clothes. He lazily folds his clothes and turns on the faucet; being sure to test the water before slipping into the bathtub.    
  
He sits down at first alert and very slowly sinks down and rests his head on the rim of the tub. Yamaguchi lets his muscles relax in the nearly hot water and closes his eyes.    
  
He thinks on the day and feels almost giddy with how it was almost like a perfect date. of course, he would change a few things. Like Lucy-San and her girlfriends- ‘ _That bitch_ ’- and how his wishes for Tsukishima to hold his hand would come true. And how T’sukishima didn’t become distant at random moments….   
  
Yamaguchi feels a tear slip down his cheek. He wipes it away hurriedly and mentally curses himself.    
  
“Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t….” he chanted to himself slowly sitting up and bringing his knees to his chest. His breath started to become short as the negative thoughts invade his peaceful headspace.    
  
‘ _What if he hates me?’_ _  
  
‘What if he is just giving what I want to not hurt me?’  
  
_ _‘What if he is really fucking her._ ’ It wasn’t a question.   
  
A gasp leaves his lips as the last thought passes his head and stays.    
  
“No no no no no….” Yamaguchi feels tears run down his face and he holds his head, breathing erratically; knowing well that the panic will stay.    
  
“H-h-he loves me…. l-l-l-loves me…” he sobs, wiling the thoughts to  **leave**  his head.    
  
Suddenly, from down the stairs, Yamaguchi hears the front door open and close. He stops, and his eyes widen.    
  
‘ _Oh shit, what if he comes in and sees me like this?_ ’ he stands shakily, ‘ _He c-c-can’t see me weak again…_ ’ he grabs a towel and drapes it around his shoulders. ‘ _H-he won’t love me if I’m…_ ’   
  
A knock comes at the bathroom door and Yamaguchi stills his body, in the process mid-drying off his hair and trying to even out his breathing.    
  
“You good in there?” T’sukishima’s voice is muffled by the door but Yamaguchi can clearly hear it. He can  _always_  clearly hear it.    
  
“U-uhm… I’m good. You gonna shower next?” Yamaguchi continues to dry himself off.    
  
“Yeah, but take your time.” Yamaguchi can hear T’sukishima take a few steps away, “I’ll go take one in mom’s room.” He says, his voice becoming faint to Yamaguchi as he leaves.    
  
Yamaguchi sighs shakily as he wraps the towel around his hips. He looks down and frowns at how prominent his sharp hip-bones are. ‘ _So much for cuddling material._ ’ he pouts, grabbing his folded clothes and holding them close to his chest.    
  
He opens the door slowly and peaks his head out into the hallway, scanning for T’sukishima. He faintly hears the other shower running and he quickly walks to T’sukishima’s bedroom.    
  
Yamaguchi closes the bedroom door and flicks on the light. Quickly, Yamaguchi reaches for his favorite sweater of T’sukishima’s, hidden in his bottom drawer. Light blue, with a few small holes (but Yamaguchi loves the aesthetic it adds) that goes just past his boxers on his thighs. He pulls on a pair of new boxers from the closet; Mrs. T’sukishima keeps packets of extras there, and then pulls on the sweater. He stares at his reflection in the body-length mirror hanging on the backside of the bedroom door, taking himself in.    
  
Yamaguchi bites his lip and tousles his hair a bit, trying to dry it out. He settles for the messy-neat look and grabs his phone and sits himself on the bed.    
  
“Hey, Tadashi…” T’sukishima’s voice comes through as he opens the door.    
  
Yamaguchi looks up from his phone and stops mid “Yeah”, and gapes (not on purpose, **of course**.) T’sukishima stood there, scrolling through his phone. A small towel wrapped around his slim hips, hair damp with a few water droplets dripping onto the floor every now and then. His tall and strong build very prominent and Yamaguchi couldn’t stop staring at those perfect porcelain shoulders.    
  
Yamaguchi coughed and stood suddenly, “I-I got to go…” he walks and passes T’sukishima, “put on a show!” he exclaims, forcing his voice a bit too much.    
  
T’sukishima lifts his head, and leans out his door calling out behind Yamaguchi, “I have takeout on the table!”   
  
Yamaguchi rushes down to the kitchen table and holds the fabric over his chest, breathing in and out. His heart racing a mile a minute and his face felt heated at the image of T’sukishima in a towel only – a towel only! – replayed repeatedly in his head. He slapped his cheeks in a huff, “Stop!” he scolded himself as he started to plate the food. Cheeks still tinted red.    
  
Soon, T’sukishima entered the kitchen and was surprised to see Yamaguchi already finish with plating the food. “I thought you were gonna put on a show?” he teased.   
  
Yamaguchi pouted his lips, “Food is more important.” He huffed in annoyance as T’sukishima cackled.    
  
Yamaguchi watched as T’sukishima filled a glass with water, ‘ _How **fitting** , you ARE a tall glass of water if I do say so myself_\--’   
  
‘ _Stop that!_ ’ he mentally slapped himself.    
  
T’sukishima grabbed a plate when Yamaguchi finished and headed to the family room. The two sat down on the floor and set the plates on the low coffee table.    
  
“Let’s eat!” Yamaguchi said (possibly a little too enthusiastically for it to sound normal) and took a bite.    
  
The ate in comfortable silence flipping through channels before settling on some cheesy romantic comedy playing on the Hallmark channel.    
  
When finished Yamaguchi made his way onto the couch, he stretched his body out as he lay down and wasn’t even sorry for the unholy noises that left his mouth in the process. He lays down peacefully with a sigh and watches the back of T’sukishima’s head. It took every vein in his body not to reach out and run his hands through the pale-blonde hair.    
  
T’sukishima stood also and reached his arms above his head and stretched, his white shirt (which was already short) traveled up his navel to show the tone musical and skin there. Yamaguchi watched with wide eyes, willing his jaw not to drop because the boy in front of him was pure attractiveness.    
  
T’sukishima let his arms fall and looked down at Yamaguchi, “Make room,” he said in his normal monotoned voice.    
  
Yamaguchi quickly scrambled his legs together and moved to the right corner of the couch. T’sukishima stood there, for a second his brows furrowed together in what one would think is confusion, then he sat himself down. His legs stretched out on the couch, almost reaching Yamaguchi, he opened his arms and made a motion with his head for the boy to ‘come here’.   
  
Yamaguchi flushed a bit before crawling over and placing himself against T’sukishima’s chest. He curled his legs up so that they be resting just on top of T’sukishima’s thighs (which were sadly covered by his sweatpants). Yamaguchi closed his eyes and listened to the soft steady beating of T’sukishima’s heart and felt instantly relaxed and safe. A steady, familiar hand made its way to his hair and Yamaguchi could feel himself drifting away because of the calming sensation.    
  
~   
  
“Hmm?” Yamaguchi Yawned opening his eyes slowly. He could feel the warmth on his cheek and two arms wrapped around his lower back. It was dark all over, aside from the light the TV was giving off.    
  
‘ _Ah, I’m still at T’suki’s…_ ’ he sat up slowly and was surprised to see T’sukishima asleep under him.    
  
T’sukishima’s glasses were set carefully on the coffee table next to their plates from dinner. His head turned to the side slightly and his face not at all tense and aware like it normally is. Yamaguchi chewed his lip as he ran the back of his palm against T’sukishima’s cheek. He leaned down cautiously and lightly kissed the skin exposed on the taller boy’s neck and pulled away feeling like he got away with a  _major_  crime.    
  
Quickly, but carefully, Yamaguchi stood up and grabbed the dirtied plates and walked to the kitchen. He tossed them in the sink and started washing them off. He hummed to himself and washed and rinsed, repeat.    
  
Yamaguchi was too wrapped up in being sure to get every little mark off the plates, he didn’t hear T’sukishima walk into the kitchen. At first, he didn’t feel the arms wrap around his middle but once he felt the weight of T’sukishima’s head on his shoulders, his face flushed bright red when his brain registered what was happening.   
  
T’sukishima breathed into his ear, and Yamaguchi swallowed.    
  
“You know,” the tall boy started his voice low and… sensual. “how can you wear this sweater and think I’ll be able to…” he paused and his right hand traveled low and squeezed the back of Yamaguchi’s upper thigh. “Resist you.” He finished.    
  
‘ _Oh, fuck it._ ’   
  
Yamaguchi turned all to swiftly and placed his arms lazily around T’sukishima’s shoulders and tilted his head. “You gonna kiss me or not?” he gave a confident smirk of his own.   
  
Almost instantly, T’sukishima’s lips were crushing his and it took Yamaguchi a few beats before pressing back. T’sukishima lifted Yamaguchi by his thighs and sat him on the countertop and shifted in-between those cream-colored thighs of Yamaguchi’s and pressed as closely as possible to the boy. They found a comfortable rhythm with their mouths and suddenly Yamaguchi’s lips felt soft on T’sukishima’s own. A pleasant shudder traveled throughout Yamaguchi’s body and he let his hands roam.    
  
Carefully, Yamaguchi reached for the sides of T’sukishima’s shirt and pulled at the bottom of it. T’sukishima broke the kiss to quickly pull his shirt over his head and was back on Yamaguchi letting his hands cradle the boy’s face as the shirt fell to the ground. Yamaguchi felt as if he was being practically rained on by T’sukishima and his passion. T’sukishima with his gentle but insistent touches, with his lips that made Yamaguchi feel like jelly and with the moans that he allowed Yamaguchi to hear.    
  
“T-T’suki….” Yamaguchi panted against the pale neck, his mouth was currently resting on. He moaned softly rubbing his hips against T’sukishima’s.   
  
‘ _No no. If you want to do this make sure he wants you_.’ 

Yamaguchi forced himself back and panted, he made eye contact with those confused amber eyes. “I C-can’t do this anymore… you must know by now. I l-l-….” He paused and closed his eyes, “I love you, Kei!”   
  
Silence spread throughout the kitchen and Yamaguchi held his breath as he popped one eye open. T’sukishima looked genuinely shocked at the sudden burst of emotion displayed by his best friend. But still, he reaches out and gentle cups Yamaguchi’s face and presses his mouth to his once more. Yamaguchi sighs into the kiss and lets the taller boys tongue probe through his mouth.    
  
‘This is it. That’s his response.’   
  
‘But what does it mean?’   
  
T’sukishima pulls back and smiles softly, he helps Yamaguchi down from the counter and Yamaguchi never realized how tall he really was until now. He looked up into the amber eyes and bit his lip, eyebrows high up as he waited.    
  
T’sukishima held out his hand and Yamaguchi stared wide-eyed at it.    
  
“Let’s go, Tadashi.” His voice was soft and laced with some caution. But his voice didn’t give off any kind of urgency.    
  
Yamaguchi reaches out and places his hand into T’sukishima’s open palm and they lace their fingers together. Yamaguchi feels so happy that small tears spring to his eyes as T’sukishima leads the two.    
  
They walk up the stairs, past the bathroom, past the loft and stop in front of T’sukishima’s bedroom. T’sukishima opens the door and to let Yamaguchi in first. Yamaguchi gaped at the sight of already lit candles placed on shelves, giving the room just enough light but at the same time illuminating a romantic atmosphere.    
  
His hand falls from T’sukishima’s own as he watches the boy undress. Watches as he slips out of his sweatpants and stands in just his boxers, waiting. Yamaguchi swallows and walks up to T’sukishima, chest to chest.    
  
His voice wavers, “L-love me.” He whispers knowing the words are for T’sukishima alone.    
  
“You sure?” T’sukishima sounded grounded. Good, Yamaguchi needed grounded.    
  
Yamaguchi could only nod and watched as T’sukishima pulled the sweater up, over his head and smoothed back his hair. He felt fingers on his bare hips and leaned closer to T’sukishima as he tip-toed and kissed him. He kissed him like his life depended on it, slowly becoming more impatient. Becoming _needier_.    
  
T’sukishima pulled Yamaguchi with him until his knees hit the end of his matters and he fell back, Yamaguchi landing softly on him. Yamaguchi let out a surprised gasp, half at the fall and half at how the feeling of skin to skin made his body tremble in pleasure.    
  
T’sukishima slowly turned and put Yamaguchi on his back and loomed over him. Both panting as Yamaguchi ground his hips upwards into T’sukishima’s. T’sukishima swallowed and closed his eyes tightly, holding back any noises.     
  
“Y-you ready?” he asks in between a shuddering moan.    
  
Yamaguchi nods frantically, biting his lip eyes wide with lust. T’sukishima pressed his lip on Yamaguchi’s own once more before kissing down his neck, his chest, his stomach and lower.    
  
Yamaguchi’s eyes widened as he feels T’sukishima’s hand land on his current ‘frustration’.    
  
“T-…. Kei…” Yamaguchi breathed hands digging into T’sukishima’s scalp as he feels fabric move down and away from his legs.   
  
Suddenly wet warmth is all he can feel and Yamaguchi lets out into the air, any noises coming from his throat. He didn’t care. This was _bliss_. This was **_love_**.    
  
It was all a blur. It went too fast. Fingers hitting against a new feeling of discomfort mixed with passionate pleasure. Then skin back on skin, lips back on lips. He could hear the side drawer open, the rolling of those plastic wheels. Through blurry eyes, he sees the little cardboard box for just a second before the drawer was closed again. Tears ran down his face and he could feel hands wiping them away and faint shushing. Then, fullness. Too full.    
  
But this was _for_ love.    
  
Yamaguchi took in deep breaths as T’sukishima waited for the boy to adjust. Fresh tears sprang to life as Yamaguchi tried to regain his breath.    
  
“You good?” Came T’sukishima’s voice, in the softest tone. His eyes filled with concern and care.    
  
Yamaguchi nodded and smiled weakly, giving a soft broken laugh as the tears slowly subsided. “J-just new is all.” He gasped as T’sukishima moved his hips back then forward slowly.    
  
“Sorry.” T’sukishima said quietly.   
  
Yamaguchi shook his head, “I-its good…” he searched for T’sukishima’s free hand, (the other holding up one of Yamaguchi’s leg) and he laces their fingers together, “I’ve wanted this. W-with you.”   
  
T’sukishima gives him a small kiss and pulls his hips back again before snapping forward once more, this time a bit faster.    
  
Yamaguchi cried out his name and Tsukishima pants in his ear as everything happens so fast.    
  
And then it happens. Yamaguchi lets out moans laced with tears from the pleasure released on his stomach and T’sukishima holds him close as he rides out his own release of pleasure.    
  
“We’re one now, Tadashi.” He whispers into the ear of the vulnerable boy beneath him.    
  
“I-I love you, I love you, I love you…”   
  
Yamaguchi repeated that before drifting into a death-like sleep.   
  
~   
  
People often say bliss is the first thing you feel waking up after your first time. They say when the person wakes up with you, next to you, it fills a void and your heart swells with happiness. But all Yamaguchi could feel was a cold bed and pain. _Sharp_ mother fucking pain from his hips down. He rubs his eyes and weakly sits up, his arms shaking as he hisses at how bad it all just **feels**.    
  
“Good G-God, the hell?” he stares down at his naked body as his morning brain clears up.    
  
It hits him like a wrecking ball to the head; he and T’sukishima slept together. Like, had sex. Yamaguchi covers his mouth with a hand still not knowing, whether to cry or to be giddy and happy because he’s always wanted this! His eyes crinkle at the ends as he recalls how romantic it all was…   
  
_Wait_.    
  
Yamaguchi swallows, ‘ _Was it really how it was supposed to be?_ ’ he asks himself as an uneasy feeling fills his chest.    
  
He hears the front door downstairs close quite loudly and hears T’sukishima faintly cussing.    
  
Ah.    
  
It hurts.    
  
Not **just** physically.    
  
Slowly Yamaguchi pulls on a pair of boxers and pulls the sweater from the floor and slips it back on. He walks, even though every step is painful as fuck, and slowly makes his way down to the kitchen.    
  
He gets to the entrance and stops when he hears T’sukishima’s hushed voice, frantically talking to someone.    
  
“No, it isn’t important that I stay. Do I need to come as soon as possible? Okay yeah. See you in twenty.” There is a pause and Yamaguchi holds his breath. “Yeah, I’ll bring em, opened a new pack yesterday so. Okay, bye Lu.” T’sukishima hangs up the phone and sighs.    
  
Yamaguchi swallows hard, his head is dizzying, and his stomach dropped when T’sukishima said: “opened a new pack yesterday so.” It bothered him because Yamaguchi was sure he knew what that ‘pack’ was. But he _refused_ to believe it.    
  
‘ _He loves me. He made love **to** me. Yeah._ ’   
  
Yamaguchi walks into the kitchen, with caution and folds his arms over his chest. “G-good morning,” he says lightly, making his presence known as he pulls out a chair from the kitchen table.    
  
He notices that T’sukishima is already fully dressed, Yamaguchi glares at the table.   
  
“Morning.” T’sukishima replies in a short and brash tone. He slides a coffee cup over to Yamaguchi. “I’m leaving now. So, leave by lunch, the key is under the mat outside lockup please.” T’sukishima says, slipping his phone in his pocket.    
  
Yamaguchi felt his eyes sting and he gripped the cup.    
  
Packs. Lu…Lucy-San? Leaving?’   
  
“W-where are you going?” Yamaguchi stuttered out and instantly regretted it as he watched T’sukishima’s already cold demeanor turn colder and defensive.   
  
“What’s it to you?” his voice snapping.    
  
Yamaguchi sucks in a breath and looks down at his coffee cup. He hears T’sukishima sigh and walks past him, car keys jingling as he walks.    
  
He stops at the entrance to the kitchen. “Study group.” He murmurs and pauses, “Your clothes are clean and folded on the couch. Be safe Yams.” He added softly before walking and leaving the house.    
  
When Yamaguchi hears the lock of the door and was sure T’sukishima was gone he lost it. Sobs escaping him and hands shaking. He felt his body grow weaker than it was before and he slowly let himself fall to the ground. He coughed when the harder sobs came and shook his head.    
  
“He loves me, he loves me, he loves me…” he practically chanted, trying to reassure himself.   
  
But he knew deep inside he was reaching. **Reaching** for love.    
  
Yamaguchi never felt more devastated than now, in this moment, on his best friend’s kitchen floor after giving something so _precious_ to him, just the night before. He was sure he could feel his thin heartstrings break with every sob.   
  
~   
  
Yamaguchi let himself lay in T’sukishima’s bed just for a bit before forcing himself up to get dressed. He double checked for his phone, wallet, and anything else he had for the night.    
  
Walking downstairs he hears someone in the kitchen, “Akiteru?” He called from the walkway as he slipped on his shoes.   
  
“Oh! You’re still here…” Akiteru sticks his head out from the kitchen and eyes Yamaguchi. “Kei already ditched ya, huh?” he said around the cigarette in his mouth.    
  
Yamaguchi nods awkwardly, “W-well I got to go so---”   
  
“Now your hips don’t hurt too much right?” the tone of Akiteru’s voice was taunting and almost like he was shaming Yamaguchi.   
  
Yamaguchi swallowed, ignoring the man and turned the doorknob.    
  
“Takin’ that as a yes. Wow, I know my bro hand some moves when it came to girls- trust me you can hear em’ – but with a boy?” Akiteru crackled loudly, “ _Fuck_ , go him.”   
  
Yamaguchi felt anxiety creep its way up his spine, he swung the door open quickly.    
  
“Just so you know!” Akiteru called out, “My brother isn’t a fag! Just a fucker!” his voice was cut off by the front door Yamaguchi slammed shut.    
  
Yamaguchi stared wide-eyed at the door he slammed and shook his head, “I need to go home.” He whispered to himself. “S-shit.” He felt his chin quiver as he started walking.    
  
~   
  
Three months go by. Three months and not a **word** from T’sukishima. Three months and Yamaguchi spends his free summer days hanging with Hinata and Kageyama, at work (he got offered a job waiting tables) or at home sitting around since the house is usually clean.    
  
In his current state, Yamaguchi lies on the cold tile of the kitchen floor with a small fan blowing through his hair. It’s a sweltering day in Japan and Yamaguchi stares at the bland ceiling.    
  
“Pretty fucking sure I’ve developed walking depression.” He sighs aloud to no one aside from himself. He knew his statement was half true but doesn’t care much to do anything about it now for he was too busy self-loathing.    
  
Even though he spends his days thinking about nothing he can’t get that night out of his head. The night he gave himself to his ( _ex_?) best friend. His best friend who apparently loves him hasn’t talked to him since. And that…hurts. Yamaguchi felt as if he watched T’sukishima slip from the tiny grasp he had on him the day he walked out that door. And he regrets it. Regrets not being _enough_ for T’sukishima.    
  
Yamaguchi lets out a long groan as he sits up, he dials a number and holds the phone haphazardly to his ear.    
  
“Yamaguchi?” comes the voice through the speaker, soft and mother-like.    
  
 _ **Suga**_.    
  
“Hello, Suga,” Yamaguchi smiles into the phone, “how’s university life treating you?”   
  
“Oh, you know, pretty calm and sim---” there’s a crash in the background and muffled laughter, “I SWEAR TO GOD, DAICHI AND BOKUTO IF Y'ALL DON’T STOP IT, I WILL WITHDRAW ALL SEX!” in the background comes loud whining of the familiar voices, and a long drawn out, “But Akaaaashi loves meeee.”   
  
Yamaguchi sputters out laughter as he holds his mouth with his hand, “W-what the f-f-fu---”   
  
“Don’t you dare say ‘ _fuck_ ’, Tadashi.” Suga shot into the phone, using his strong-angry mother tone.    
  
“Ah, sorry.” Yamaguchi blushes embarrassingly as he stands, “What was that about though?”   
  
Suga audibly sighs, “Oh, just know, having to share an apartment with your boyfriend and his extra hyper friend is a pain…”   
  
Yamaguchi smiles, “Is that so?”   
  
“Mmm, you know Yamaguchi, relationships are hard.”   
  
“Tell me about it, I’m not even dating anyone and yet I know this all too well.” Yamaguchi makes his way to his room.    
  
“Ah! You shouldn’t be, not at this age!”   
  
Yamaguchi rolls his eyes, “Says the one who Daichi was f---”   
  
“Hey!”   
  
“Sorry, ‘ _banging_ ’ in the showers at this age.”   
  
Suga crackles and Yamaguchi imagines his warm smile, “You aren’t wrong dear.” He can hear a door close in the background and the other end of the call becoming a lot calmer, “Anyway, why’d you call me?”   
  
“Ah. Um,” Yamaguchi rubs the back of his neck and plops down onto his mattress. “How…how was your f-first time?” he stutters out, feeling his face heat up. “L-like was it slow and meaningful or…rushed a-and, not f-f-fulfilling….”   
  
The silence stretches out from the other end of the phone call and Yamaguchi feels the anxiousness crawl up his back, “Yamaguchi, why are you asking?” Suga sounds **concerned**.   
  
‘ _Shit. He caught on_.’   
  
“N-never mind, I-I got to go….”   
  
“Wait, no Yams---”   
  
“Sorry for bothering you!” Yamaguchi hangs up and puts his phone on silent before tossing it across the room as he lets himself fall back onto the mattress.    
  
His last year of school starts tomorrow and he hoped and prayed nothing would be different between him and T’sukishima. Simply because, at the end of the day that’s his best friend, and living the whole summer without talking to him felt like going a year without rain. Some parts of Yamaguchi’s life needed T’sukishima. And that’s okay. Well, maybe.   
  
~   
  
Yamaguchi woke up early and the first the felt was dread; the dread of going back to school and seeing his close teammates and friends and all of them having no idea of that night and just how miserable his life currently is. But Yamaguchi washed his face and stared at himself in the mirror, “Bulk the fuck up. Be a man. Push these feelings down and get on with life!” he scowled at himself before letting his face fall. His eyes widened a bit and he gave a small smile, “You can do it.” He told himself just above a whisper.    
  
He made breakfast for him and his father who got to the house early to give him money for school necessities. Yamaguchi dressed himself and pulled his hair into a small half up-ponytail.    
  
“Hey dad, has mom sent in her money yet?” Yamaguchi asks as he packs his lunch.    
  
His father lifted his eyes from the newspaper and shrugged, “Last time I heard from her was a few weeks ago…” His father shook his head, “Mentioned that she would send it as soon as possible but that’s it.”   
  
Yamaguchi rolls his eyes and finishes packing, “Okay, I’ll see you later then.” Yamaguchi grabs his school bag and walks to the front door just in time to catch the city bus.    
  
After the train ride, Yamaguchi hoped from it, feeling his spirits lifted and looked forward to the start of a new school year. He subconsciously kept an eye out for T’sukishima since he knew the tall boy liked to take the same train.    
  
When Yamaguchi arrived at the front of the school he stopped and took a breath. Seeing a ton of new freshmen walking through the school doors and plenty of old faces he recognized.    
  
“Yamaguchi-Kun!” he turns to see Kageyama and Hinata waving to him from under a few cherry trees.    
  
Yamaguchi grins and adjusts his bag as he walks to them, “Yo!”    
  
“Can you believe it!” Hinata is practically jumping, “We’re third years! **_Third_ ** years, Yams!”   
  
“I know I know,” Yamaguchi laughs.   
  
“You’d think Shouyou would’ve grown more.” Kageyama snickers beside the short redhead.    
  
Hinata elbows him, “I grew two centimeters, leave me alone.” He huffs at Kageyama who just rolls his eyes then leans down and kisses the top of Hinata’s head like they’ve been together for months.    
  
Hinata’s eyes widen when Kageyama pulls away, and they both anxiously look at the stunned Yamaguchi. “U-um, it happened like two weeks ago.” Hinata squeaks.   
  
Yamaguchi shakes his head, “No, it’s just…” he pauses and smiles, “I’m happy you finally confessed, Hinata.”   
  
Hinata chuckles, “Surprisingly it was Kageyama who confessed!” he exclaimed as Kageyama stood there blushing wildly. “Out of nowhere too! It was super cute, but also confusing.” Hinata pauses, and whispers loudly pretending Kageyama couldn’t hear him, “He used a volleyball analogy.”  Kageyama yells something about Hinata ‘ _shutting the fuck up_ ’ and Hinata just laughs.    
  
“Ahhh,” Yamaguchi feels his focus leaving the two fellow third-years as his eyes scan the school grounds for those familiar eyes.    
  
“Looking for T’sukishima-san?” Kageyama asks when he realizes Yamaguchi wasn’t paying much attention and just looking around.   
  
“Uh, yeah…” he bites his lip as he tiptoes to see over the sea of teenagers. “You guys saw him?”   
  
Hinata nods and grabs Yamaguchi’s hand, “Yeah yeah! Come!”   
  
Yamaguchi lets himself be pulled away towards wherever T’sukishima is, despite the uneasy feeling _growing_ in his stomach.    
  
After a few moments of Hinata weaving the two between the clumps of people and Kageyama trailing behind, they abruptly stop. Yamaguchi feels a gasp leave his mouth and Hinata is shocked, to say the least.   
  
There stood T’sukishima just a few feet away, looking just as handsome as ever. His hand intertwined with some shorter girls own and his attention solely on her despite the other girls surrounding the two. Yamaguchi watches in heartfelt horror as T’sukishima leans his head down and the girl chastely kisses his lips. Those lip that once, trailed Yamaguchi’s body and told him they were **one**.   
  
“Whaaa! T’sukishima has a girlfriend? How come you didn’t tell us Yams!” Hinata asks, way over enthusiastically.    
  
Yamaguchi feels tears stream down his face and he cusses as he turns and wipes at them, but they just won’t stop. Kageyama grabs his elbow and leads him to the back of the school to the volleyball clubroom. He isn’t sure how he got in there, but he knows Kageyama told him to take his time and that he and Hinata will wait outside the door and that the second that door closed behind him, he lost it.    
  
Yamauchi cries and falls on his knees leaning over for air as he feels the room close in on him. Memories flash through his mind a mile a minute. From day one, when T’sukishima first came into his fairly simple life, to the moment he accepted his feelings for his best friend to the moment he gave himself away. And to now. To how _**affectionately** _ T’sukishima stared into the eyes of the girl.    
  
Yamaguchi feels another wave of heartbroken feelings spring to life as he shudders a breath and heaves, rocking himself back and forth. Letting his whimpers out in the dark room.    
  
~   
  
Somehow, he managed to walk home, somehow, he called on his father, somehow, he begged for the confirmation to go to a community college instead of finishing high school and somehow his father agreed.    
  
“Thanks, dad.” He mumbled, blowing his nose into a tissue. His father confused as to why his son was crying but not pressing.    
  
“You’re welcome…but Tadashi, you need to find a better job. To pay for this.” His father said slowly, probably afraid of his son breaking down. “I can’t always support you, ya know?”   
  
“I know, I will…just…” Yamaguchi lifted his head and gave a weak smile, “Just know how thankful I am.”   
  
His father smiled back before standing, “You good on your own for the rest of the night? Or should I take you out or?”   
  
Yamaguchi shakes his head, “I just need to be alone for a bit.”    
  
“Okay.” His father hesitates before patting the top of Yamaguchi’s head softly, “Goodbye son.”   
  
Yamaguchi closed his eyes and held the bridge of his nose.   
  
‘ _You’ll be fine_.’   
  
He cried himself to sleep that night.   
  
  



End file.
